LOOSE RECIPE: The Redneck Vodka Sauce

So I'm here, "home", in good 'ole southwest Virginia, right smack in between some of these blue ridge mountains and at my cousin's house right on the river. I forgot how much I love it down here; the serenity and beauty of nature really does just engulf you and brings out the true redneck inside. One who might typically go for wine and cheese will be craving beer and chips. It's okay. It's part of the surroundings. I think right now my mom is on the "mule" (basically a go-cart with a better motor) and riding with my aunt down to the river with the dog. Casey, my cousin, is lying on the couch. We're here for her baby shower. I'm not very fond of babies/baby decorations/baby talk, anything to do with babies, really, but this crowd isn't your typical baby-obsessed gaggle of cooing and ooing women. They're just like, "Shit, it's another person on the way, grab some more moonshine and cigs!".

Well, my mother and I arrived last night and my aunt's boyfriend, who usually does the cooking, was getting a little sauced. Last time we were here, Randy and I had cooked together and made a pretty great culinary team, so I just decided to pick up where he left off and see if I could recreate this beautiful vodka sauce I had made last time. The secret? Anchovy oil. Another secret? Cook when you're drunk.

We don't really go with measurements around here, so ya'll are just gonna have to go with the flow and remember that great cooking isn't necessarily about using the correct measurements (we're not baking here, dammit)! It's about tasting it, feeling it, and knowing what you want. It's also about using really good tomatoes and fresh ingredients. So forgive the loose instruction, I'm estimating as close as possible.

RANDY'S MARINARA BASE:
- enough extra virgin olive oil to coat the base of the pot, maybe a little more
- chopped fresh garlic cloves (we use a bunch, like a whole bulb)
- a handful of fresh basil leaves, chopped
- a few chopped anchovies, and oil from the tin
- 2 fresh tomatoes, diced
- 2 tbsp tomato paste (for thickening purposes)
- 3/4 large can "Furmano's Italian Style Diced Tomatoes", drained (the best canned tomatoes you can get)
- 1 large can "Furamano's Plum Tomatoes", drained
- diced onion, as little or as much as you want, we used half a large vidalia onion
- salt, pepper, oregano, a little crushed red pepper

** It is possible to use red wine in this recipe ONLY if it will be a marinara sauce. I do not suggest making a marinara base with red wine then adding vodka later, because I had a bad experience with that, and it wasn't fun, and you too will regret it.

So, pick a decent size pot, put it on medium heat. Add olive oil, like I said, enough to coat the entire base. Let it get hot (but not sputtering), add garlic and onion. Allow them to get a little brown to release flavor, make sure to stir a bit so they cook evenly. Add a little salt to them. Add fresh tomatoes, Furmano's tomatoes, tomato paste, anchovies and oil from the tin. Stir gently, let simmer (**if you are just doing marinara, now would be when you would add about half a cup of red wine, or hell, be liberal, put a whole cup if you're ballsy). DO NOT LET SAUCE BURN. It ruins the flavor, so it is important to be watchful and constantly stirring every few minutes. If you don't care, whatever, but I'm picky about my marinara sauce, dammit. Once the sauce has had a good ten minutes to simmer, add the basil leaves and salt, pepper, oregano, crushed red pepper to taste. Let set for another 10 minutes to an hour on low heat, depending on how much time you have. You don't need to stir for the whole hour.

Now we can get a little kinky.

LAUREN'S VODKA SAUCE ADDITIONS
- half & half (DO NOT use the fat free kind... it's made of skim milk and corn syrup which is disgusting and does nothing for the flavor or color because eventually it simply clusters into tiny balls and does not fuse with the ingredients properly - you must use something with a fatty content or if you're desperate and there just ain't nothin' in the fridge then grab some skim milk or forget it.)
- 3/4 - 1 cup fresh grated parmesan cheese
- half cup vodka (this time we used Skyy)
- whole onion rings/big chunks of onion, hell, a whole onion
- any leftover chopped basil
- any leftover anchovy oil
- salt to taste

The marinara should still be simmering a bit. Making this sauce taste great is all about the application. Add the vodka, I usually just eyeball it, so I'm estimating that it's about a half cup. Basically, think of it as about 3 big swigs if you were chugging this stuff. Give it a few minutes to simmer and cook off the alcohol, feel free to add any leftover oil and basil at this point. Here's where you need to actually pay attention: grab the half & half, SLOWLY add to pot while stirring. Add until you achieve a medium orange color, this of course is all preference as well. Take your time with this, you don't want it to curdle because that's just nasty. Drop in whole onion pieces and add salt. Turn heat on medium low and let sit for a few minutes. I typically just forget about it and go ahead cooking the pasta and any other dishes going along with the meal. Feel free to stir it occasionally. A few minutes before you serve, fish out the whole onion pieces and add in the parmesan. (I personally enjoy eating the onion pieces afterwards, they should be thoroughly cooked through and taste like awesome. If they are not cooked through, you haven't let the sauce set for long enough. Epic fail.)

Remember, taste your food throughout the process, especially after adding the vodka. If you don't taste enough of what you need, ADD MORE. Slowly. It's easier to add ingredients than subtract. Also - fresh ingredients always taste better than dry/canned.

We didn't take photos this time. We were a little shitfaced. Here's a few variation suggestions:

For...

CREAMIER, SMOOTHER VODKA SAUCE: Use an emersion blender.

MORE REDNECK-STYLE SAUCE: Add cooked bacon or sausage, including the drippings.

A GREAT PRESENTATION: Top with shredded basil leaves and shaved parmesan.

OVERALL BETTER TASTING SAUCE: Get a little baked beforehand.

LESS ACCIDENTS WHILE COOKING: Move your martini glass/beer bottle/bourbon aside for a while.